It was spring 2016 when my husband and I decided alcohol is no longer going to be part of our lives. I didn’t know where this would take us but the decision was made, and life went on.
That first summer was challenging. My husband and I love to indulge in food and drink and without that we didn’t know what would fill the space that occupied this. So I signed us up for a variety of activities. My husband did rock climbing and I started Yoga. At first I enjoyed the movement of my body and how healthy I felt, as well as, the break from my husband as these were separate activities we were doing. But to be honest, we were both feeling a little irritated. I didn’t realize how much alcohol eased my anxiety and then fed my anxiety and then eased it again, a vicious cycle.
I broke the cycle by removing the booze. Alcohol did more than just give me liquid courage and entertain me on the weekends, it also numbed me to any little annoyance in my life. This was a big step in my awareness of my dependency on alcohol to ease my anxiety and cope with daily life.
I started to meditate and embraced buddhism and mindfulness. This was a pivotal point in my alcohol free journey. I really didn’t know how to cope with anger, stress, my excited feelings, my depressed feelings, my overwhelming overabundant feelings because they were being dulled by alcohol. That summer was a steep learning curve of feeling everything again and I felt alive. I had to be honest about my feelings and admit them to myself even if I didn’t like them. That was the hardest part. Being ok with not being ok in every situation. What did that mean for my life? I questioned whether I was actually happy. What does happy look like now that everything felt different? What did feeling happy actually feel like?
I deconstructed many perspectives that I thought were true that summer and went from there. I relived some of my traumas while meditating and that was ok. I confronted some of my bad behaviours, mended some relationships and ditched some relationships at the same time. Since that summer not drinking alcohol got easier and more challenging all in one fell swoop. As new life challenges came up I looked to numb in other ways, food, vacations, self-help books, binge watching Netflix, anything really for a distraction, an escape from feeling. What I know now is that feeling uncomfortable or feeling in general is such a blessing and nothing to run away from. It means I am alive and here. That is good enough. I am not perfect and I’m ok with that. I am thankful to alcohol for introducing me to the curriculum of my life. To feel and be with what comes up.
Grateful for the journey.