Have you ever felt like you just have bad timing? Or that time is just not on your side?
If I had more time, or gone back in time to change some of my past decisions, I wonder how this would have affected the future that I have today. Or, if I could have just been in the right place at the right time, maybe my life could have been different. I like to dwell in the past, this is my weakness. Timing is everything. In my head I like to reorganize my past events, introduce a whole bunch of “what ifs” and create endless narrative around the different possible scenarios “that could have been”.
I do believe that there is a place and time for every stage in life. But what if you don’t have the opportunity to realize a life stage due to conflicting life obligations? Like travel due to family obligations, party the night away because of work or school obligations and maybe even explore different love relationships when young because of family expectations and restrictions and now you are married with kids.
There isn’t a way to skip any phase of life. If you are experiencing a void of some kind, a feeling of emptiness will creep on you and will sweep over you like a wave. A yearning will start building in the cracks of your soul. Exploring different parts of our identity and personality is just a part of our human condition. I know for my personality, there are still a lot of unexplored identities I would like to tease out, the question though I ask is… when? When is it a good time to explore? To change? To seek? I don’t think a good time for “being” exists. You just do life as it comes. Life is not a dress rehearsal.
I met my husband in my twenties, almost a ten-year gap passed, and we found each other again at the same pub through mutual friends. We were at the right place at the right time, we reunited and two years later we were married. I guess the first time we got together it didn’t work because it was bad timing. But then I sometimes wonder what our life would be like if we did end up committing when we were young. Would we be the same people? Was it really bad timing? Or was the gap that we weren’t together just wasted time?
I question the timing of my life because it is something that I cannot control, and this bothers me. I have to trust that whatever stage I am in my life, I am making the best decisions for myself with conviction and based on my value system. I have to use what resources and energy I have in the moment to make the most of my current situations, without judgment and criticism of my past decisions, and have no expectations of the future. Everything that I have conjured up in my life is an accumulation of my past. The trust and faith that I have in myself gets shaky when I feel like time is not on my side, or that I have wasted my time. My ego gets bruised and I feel like my value system needs to be revaluated.
I worry about having regrets. Then I get frustrated about worrying, and waste my time on regretting my past decisions. It is cyclical hell. When I get into this state, I try to forgive my past decisions and move on. This is the only thing I can do. Stay firm in my values and sit in gratitude. I remind myself that I am not my past, and that my worth doesn’t decrease from my past decisions. Even though I step into my fantasy world of “what ifs” for only just a minute to indulge myself, I know that too long in this state of mind, judgement engulfs me and so I create distance and step out of this space. I try to balance my expectations of what I am able to accomplish, with the time I have, and with the resources allowable to me at the time. I know I can’t do it all. Even though things don’t always work out in a timely fashion and not exactly how I want, there is still lots of new and exciting possibilities coming my way and dwelling on regrets or wasted time is not how I want to spend my days.
The time is now.
Wherever you are.
This is the right place and the right time to live your life.