Rejection

I have always treated my friendships hot or cold. All or nothing. Ride or Die sort of relationships. I’m not too sure that has worked out for me well over the years. I know the saying that friends come and go, but unless there isn’t an actual barrier like distance, I don’t know why most of my relationships fizzle out. I wonder if maybe it is growth, poor connection, consistency or lack of vulnerability that contribute to the deterioration of my relationships. I have been also reflecting on my part and how I contribute to all of this and how over time my identity changes with the relationships I keep.

Relationships of any kind have a give and take nature. Reciprocity is a vital component of keeping the relationship going, this I have struggled to maintain most in my relationships, at work, at home and even with new potential friends. I am eager and willing to always put myself out there first. I go out of my way to please. Although people pleasing is a real thing, I won’t get into it in this article, the focus here is rejection. I have always been puzzled in instances when I haven’t been reciprocated the exact experience I provide for my relationships. I want the same dinners I offer, I want the same frequency of visits, texts or phone calls asking me about my day, but it never seems to pan out. This disappointment inevitably turns into frustration and the relationship suffers in the long term.

I have come to understand that the feeling of rejection I feel has nothing to do with other people. I simply don’t take care of my own needs properly to see red flags in others to then react appropriately to what I need out of a relationship. I have always had a difficult time sitting in my own emotions and naming my feelings. This is an important task for self awareness that I am starting to see I am lacking. What I am looking for externally in other people I can only provide for myself. I have to name what I want and how I feel first. This concept has helped me process some of the unpleasant feelings about my relationships in the past and present, particularly about the lack of reciprocity from others and feelings of rejection.

I cannot control other people, therefore situations will always arise that will disappoint me. This doesn’t mean that I have to be so black and white about the people in my life. If you focus on your needs first and use proper communication, how other people respond is not in your control. To better understand where your feelings of rejection come from, think back when you first had rejection in your life and process those feelings first. This will help build better foundations for any new relationships. If there was a time that you didn’t feel good about yourself or a relationship, when rejection hurt, sit in those feelings and then let them go. Don’t take those feelings with you to a new situation. Take care of your needs and communicate them to others, the rest is for you to enjoy! Enjoy your relationships and the people in your life.

Honesty

Let’s be honest. Does that really exist? When having an honest conversation with yourself, do you know if it’s the truth or a lie? I think of how many times I have lied to myself to soothe or cope, and now, I am seeing that other people are doing the same. Being honest, and really getting to your core is hard work, like thinking and solving complex problems. I don’t know how many times in a day I lie to myself, but I am aware of it and sometimes this scares me.

To get to the bottom of a truth, I like to be objective. I know that my subjective feelings will always take me on a labyrinth of emotions leading to nowhere, so I parse out the facts. This isn’t enough however, because others lie to soothe and cope to themselves and others, so this makes everything complicated and difficult to piece together. Facts may not be facts at all, and so what is left to do is basically throw away all expectations, judgements, and let situations be as they are. This doesn’t include any disrespectful or inappropriate/abusive behaviour from others just simply what comes, let it come. 

I grasp for situations to be different. I replay scenarios, wishing my past would be different, the people in my life different, and this is truly the antithesis of honesty. This is La La land. La La land is where fantasies live. The rose coloured glasses, the wishful thinking of what “could have been” or wish “could be”. Regrets, resentment, judgement and yearning is a place where no one should live. It is a black hole. It leads to bitter land.

There is nothing I can do about my past and definitely cannot control everything that will happen to me, and if I am to accept this notion, than I am living honestly. All the events of my past, and the characters in it, are my story to own and these are my facts to keep and accept. The acceptance of my facts I struggle with, but I know I will get there. I remind myself that no matter how many times I don’t want to accept my story, it is still mine to keep, forever, and I carry it either heavily by resisting acceptance or light, when I have an abundance of acceptance. Some days are heavy. This tug of war is what brings me closer to me. As long as I am still pushing closer to acceptance, I get closer to my truth. The honesty that I seek, I look for in other people, I rarely find it, because I am struggling to find it in myself. The closer I get to my honest self the closer I get to the life that I want. As I try to find a way to live in truth, putting action to every value in my life, I struggle to find the motivation to keep living in an honest way without soothing/coping and lying to myself. I don’t always encounter the support and likeminded community to realize this lifestyle preference. Despite all of this, I won’t give up in finding a way.

One thing is for sure. When you do lie to yourself you know it. Your body knows it, your mind knows it, and definitely your heart knows it. The consequences of living in dishonesty is that it will manifest in a negative way, in your life, one way or the other.

Living your truth and living in honesty is not easy. Let go of expectations, judgements and grasping. Let life take you where it moves you without regret. Things happened to you, and move on. Life is today, not yesterday and not tomorrow, and it is worth the effort to make every day as amazing as possible. Even when you don’t feel like it.